i want candy

that special feeling

I live for shots like this...

...especially precious Polaroids...

...that I have to ration for their rarity...

...and expense.

When they turn out better than I could have ever imagined...

...it doesn't even register, that it came by my hand...

...or vision.

I just find it so beautiful...

...so pleasing to the eye...

I feel such inordinate satisfaction simply looking at it...

...like a warm hug...

...or a first kiss...

...or delicious afterglow.

I want to bathe in it's beauty...

...soak it in deep.

The sublimity intoxicates me...

...more than any cheap pride I might feel at having captured it.

how I did it - photo tutorial

A few people asked how I processed the picture of Anna Sofia in the previous entry, so I'm going to tell you. Please note that I'm going to tell you how *I* did it. I am self-taught on Photoshop and as such I do not claim to be an expert, good or even know the proper way to do things on there. I just sort of mess around with it until I like the way my picture looks.

Disclaimer: You should have some fair knowledge of Photoshop, otherwise the following tutorial is going to be really frustrating for you.

Of course, feel free to skip this post if you have no interest whatsoever in learning how to process pictures in this way.

Let's go...

Click to read more ...

pure joy (edited)

Anna Sofia admiring the bubbles on the mermaid ride. State Fair of Texas, 10/6/09

I posted this picture and only this picture during a short bout of insomnia early this morning before the news hit. Funny, it seems every time Obama wins something, I have a whimsical, memorable (at the very least to me), happy shot of Anna Sofia to share.

If you haven't yet heard, it was announced this morning that President Barack Obama has been awarded this year's Nobel Peace Prize. My thoughts via Facebook comment:

I actually don't disagree with you. I didn't meet these news with blind joy as much as intense curiosity. I found it very surprising because he's relatively new on the world stage and while he is widely loved, admired and, I believe, brilliant, there haven't been many (any) measurable results of what I believe is yet to come. And I'm not talking his presidency. Like all the greats, I truly believe he will one day transcend politics to make an actual impact in the betterment of the world community. In many selfish ways, I find it regrettable that what I believe he will do, his best humanitarian work, is delayed by his role as U.S. President. But who am I to say? It's still so early on.

ELLLLLLE!

See that blog title? For full dramatic effect, you have to clench your teeth and grunt it. That's what I do. Often. Go ahead, try it.

Elle woke up perfect this morning. Perfect. Was up and dressed for school before I even pried an eye open. It was, in a word, lovely. In fact, I had to drive her to school instead of walking because *I* was running late (got detained chatting with Guy about France next summer...you know, where we're staying, what we're doing, how many limbs we'll have to sell and how many tricks I'll have to turn to get us there). Then we get to school and HORRORS! she had forgotten a library book. I assured her that I would bring it at lunch. (Lunch Date Fridays are now Lunch Date Thursdays to accommodate my class schedule) This, however, would not do. She was pissed and I erred on the side of humor. "Erred" being the operative word. It only pissed her off further. When she refused to give me a kiss goodbye, I stole a kiss and that drove her over the edge. Tears, then wanting to hug me, then more tears, then more clinging. THE WORKS. With a sinking feeling, I was like "Oh.Dear.God.No." I am such a fair-weather mother. Which is code for: don't fuck with my already frail sanity kid. Nothing gets under my skin more than a whiny kid. I don't know why. It just does. I have a knot in my stomach just writing here about it. It's like I told my (new) friend, Pretty Mom, yesterday when Elle was conveniently being ELLLLLE: If an adult raised their voice at me in my home, I would tell them to get the fuck out and if they refused to budge, I'd have them forcibly removed. She laughed. But it's true. Who would put up with that kind of shit? Not I. Not because I'm such a badass, as much as I just have a weak constitution for emotional terrorism. I cannot stand loudness. And bullying? Forget it. So when my kids melt down, it seriously gets me down. No, I'll tell you what it really does (and of my three, Elle is the BEST at this): it triggers an insanely acute flight response in me. I swear, she is crying and melting down and I am mentally packing my bags. It sounds funny, I know, but it feels really awful. What kind of mother wants to leave her children? For me, that passing want is enough to send me spiraling down into dark, scary places where guilt and self-loathing skulk menacingly. I don't stay there long but still: it's not pretty.

So after this morning's episode, I checked in with her teacher (yes, I am that Mom), and she's all, Elle's fine! Perfect! Wouldn't have known anything was wrong had you not told me! And I'm thinking: She did it to me again that little sonofabitch. That's where the grunted name comes in. And you know? Maybe it's the relief talking but I love her. I love her for being her. I love that she can pull it together in such short order. I love, OK, no, appreciate (maybe even respect) that she can incite such primal, raw emotions in me. For all that she is and all the magical and wicked places that she takes me, for all the hand wringing and mental bag-packing, that Elle, she makes me FEEL. Didn't she since the very beginning? Back when she was but a tortured desire? I have to wonder what the heck that little soul is here to teach me.

I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to ponder that when I finally make my escape and find myself in minimalist new living quarters with the white-padded walls and my ever-so-stylish straight jacket. A grunted ELLLLLLE!!!! running in a continuous loop in the background. Sounds cozy, no?

i'm loving...

...this comfy hoodie that my stepdaughter gave Natalie when we visited California last year...

...the fact that it's cool enough that I can wear it...

...our Halloween decorations and Tracy's big fuzzy spider on hers next door...

...walking Elle to school in the mornings...

...Mommy time with Natalie each night when we hang out together on the couch after les petites are in bed...

...dusting off my faux pink uggs to wear this morning to walk Elle to school...

...and did I mention the fact that it's cool enough that I can wear them?...

...Cake Boss (as you know, I don't watch much TV so this is BIG)...

...plans big and small...

...the 2nd Annual Through the Viewfinder Alphabet Challenge...

...reading...lots...my Kindle and I are :::crossing fingers::: like THIS...

What are you loving these days?

halloween party invite

The girls have always wanted to throw a Halloween Party so this year we decided to do that in lieu of a big birthday party for Anna Sofia. Despite the fact that her birthday was duly celebrated, she will still be the guest of honor. Of course!