Jerri Ann is With Child...Congratulations, My Friend!

© 1999 Ninotchka Beavers

The Remarkably Bearable Lightness of Being

  Something strange is happening to me. An extrasensory affliction, if you will. Yesterday, as I was on my third glass of wine, I had an all-encompassing feeling of utter disconnection. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. Frankly, I thought it was the spirits.

Surprisingly, it happened again today. As I sat in a restaurant waiting for my friend to arrive, the waiter placed a glass of iced tea in front of me. The lemony scent overpowered me and suddenly I couldn't feel the chair underneath me.

I'm sure it is this gargantuan amount of stress I'm experiencing at the moment. I don't feel particularly unwell; I just have these intermittent episodes of absolute physical departure.

Apparently since I can talk myself down from any adverse situation, this stress has decided to render itself inescapable. Unable to topple my somewhat strong mental state, I am convinced it's going for the "jugular" so to speak. It's attacking me physically with cyclic depletions of any carnal tangibility.

In actuality, this may not be a bad thing.

You're Going To Love The Beach, Charlie Brown...

The Voicemail Rap

Remember years ago, the answering machine tape they used to sell with various musical messages from the classical "No-bo-dy's Hoooome" to the "Wait for the beep" rap?

Our ex-neighbors created a playful message like that for their voicemail. It's really cute. Catherine (age 8) and her stepfather, Mike, rap this adorable ditty that goes something like "You tried to call but no-one's home so leave a message on the phone...you gotta wait for the beep, you gotta leave your name and your number, wait for the beep..."

It's another one of those "you had to be there" stories but if you were "there," I think you'd appreciate it. It just always puts a smile on my face to hear Catherine's sweet little voice "wait for the beep..." You can just feel the family unity. It's absolutely lovely.

Now here's where we take a sharp turn off the page and subject. I'm teetering on the verge of a very deep, my-life-is-falling-apart-oh-my-fucking-God-what-are-we-going-to-do, depression. TEETERING is the operative word. It takes a lot to get me down. I mean A LOT. That's why you hardly see me there. That's what ticks a lot of people off too. Nino always has an answer. Nino always has a comeback. Nino can crank up the ZEN on a moment's notice. Nino can apply the MaMere factor quicker than you can say "denial."

It's a defense mechanism. When things aren't going my way or when I'm just utterly confused and baffled by current affairs, I can flip the "...in-the-grand-scheme-of-things-this-is-nothing-it's-not-like-I'm-curing-cancer-thank-God-my-kids-are-healthy-thank-God-for-my-loving-husband-and-our-wonderful-relationship-as-long-as-we've-got-each-other..." switch in a nano-second. It's like a barrier against any ill that might befall us. As soon as that foreboding, that sense of impending doom threatens to overcome me, I run into the safety of this little alcove of my very soul and hide there ?til whatever it is that ails me passes.

Well, that stupid bitch Depression calls, and I'm conveniently indisposed at the moment. My good old friend Perspective and I are going for drinks.

So..."Wait for the beep, you gotta leave your name, you gotta leave your number, Wait for the beep...

Consider This...

- You're Never As Good As People Say You Are

and You're Never As Bad As People Say You Are -

Are there exceptions to this rule? Absolutely. For instance, Mother Teresa (good and even better) and Hitler (bad and even worse.)

Still, it's a good thought to ponder. Am I really not as great as people say I am? (smile) Aww man! But, I'm trying so hard to be! Every single day I try and fail miserably.

Am I really not as bad as people say I am? This one is easier to swallow. I'm not *that* bad. Of course not! I don't know many people who are. For every flaw I find in any given person, I can usually find quite a nice attribute to counterbalance it. I rather enjoy doing that. I so want to believe that we all have some kind of redeeming value and sense of decency. I really do want to see the best in people.

Sadly, I can't categorically deny that I know anyone that is *that* bad. Even so, I'm a big believer in BAD CHOICES vs. BAD PEOPLE.

Again, there are exceptions. Hitler, Bundy, Bin Laden...I can pretty much say: BAD PEOPLE. Who would disagree? On a good day, I'd say tragically misguided but for the most part, "bad people" works for me. 

Most everyone else: BAD CHOICES. We all make 'em and we all have to deal with them. I didn't make this rule, it's just the way it is.

Man, am I EVER trying to make GOOD CHOICES! So far, I think I do OK.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NADJITA!!!

I love you, sistah!

Good Intentions Are Not Enough

I actually wrote this entry a couple of days ago and decided against posting it just yet. Now it's more timely than ever.

"Good intentions are not enough" I really like this quote. So simple yet so true. I must keep this in mind. In fact, we all should. We do so many things "with good intentions." It's become the new favorite excuse for wicked behavior. We say what we know to be spiteful things "with good intentions." In order to make ourselves "right", we gossip about our friends, our family, each other. We judge others. We make negative observations. All of this under the guise of having "good intentions." We must tread very carefully in these uncertain times. Everything we do and don't do, everything we say and don't say, affects those in the periphery of our lives, close and far because it's ultimately not about them it's about us. Hence, it mostly, no, it ONLY affects us.

As it often happens, this subject matter has recently become a running theme in my life. Since I decided to revisit The Four Agreements a few days ago, it's been coming up a lot. It's uncanny how that happens. A blog I follow, Mary's blog, covered this very topic recently.

I'll be honest. I was muddling through The Four Agreements. I was finding some of the verbiage hard to follow, not for lack of comprehension but because it's communicated in a sort of mystically charged language that I'm not terribly comfortable with. Terms like "black magic," "spells," and "poison." It's all a bit much, even for this sometime drama queen. But the message is not lost. You get back what you put out there. I firmly believe that. And it's the spirit in which you put words, thoughts and feelings forth that will ultimately dictate what you will get in return. How you feel about yourself, which is all that truly matters in this journey. So I believe we must all operate very thoughtfully and dare I say it, lovingly. We owe it to ourselves, for it's what I believe to be the only guarantee of true happiness.

As the hilariously astute "Jack Handy" (from SNL) once put it:

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let [it] 'em go, because, man, they're gone.